Places Your Laptop Should Never Go
written on Wednesday, February 15, 2006 by David Couchman
Just because your laptop is portable enough to be lugged around everywhere you go, that doesn't mean it should be... especially to the washroom at Stan's Polish restaurant.
I don't give much thought to the role of laptop computers in society. Unlike cell phones, which are constantly invading new aspects of modern life, laptops seem to do their job without disrupting things too much. We've all had those moments when someone around us thinks it is okay to chat on his cellular phone while in the movies, or the library... or the stall next to us. Yet, even with portability almost equal to cell phones, laptops haven't begun to intrude into any of those sacred places.
Or so I thought, until I spent five minutes waiting outside a Starbucks restroom the other day, only to witness the occupant leaving--with his laptop in his right arm! I was pretty grossed out by the image of this dude cranking out a piece-of-crap screenplay whilst cranking out an actual piece of crap. But even more disgusting was the realization that thanks to Wi-fi technology and the omnipresence of pornography on the internet, the occupant could have been up to something far kinkier.
So, rather than wait for more and more of these incidences to occur until I've reached my "boiling point" and feel the need to destroy every laptop on the face of the earth, I've decided to lay out a few ground rules to let the world know that there really are some places your portable computer should never be.
Public Restrooms
Remember when George took an un-purchased book into a store bathroom on Seinfeld ? If you take your laptop into the bathroom, you're basically admitting that you're no better than George Costanza. And nobody wants to be that guy who "pulled a Costanza," do you?
Sporting Events
Not only will you piss off all the real sports fans around you, there's a good chance you'll spill your beer into the computer and totally fry it. But then again, maybe that's what you deserve for bringing a laptop to a friggin' game. Jackass...
Movie Theatres
It's already bad enough when people talking on their fucking phones when you're in theatres. Now, do you know bright the laptops can be? That can be distracting.
On A Date
Whipping out your laptop in the middle of a romantic evening will signal to your date that you're self-absorbed, boring and, oh yeah, a big fat loser geek. Even if you somehow manage to convince her otherwise and get some action, there's a good chance that the heat from your laptop will have made your boys downstairs a little too hot to handle.
The Beach
Who the hell do you think you are, Angela Bower? Can't you stop your busy high-powered executive life for one damn minute to enjoy some time with your family? Besides, your laptop's blocking my view... of the ocean, of course.
God's house of piss
Doesn't matter if it's a church, temple, mosque, or non-affiliated non-demoniational house of worship. If there's a chance anyone connected to God might be hanging out there, the place is off-limits to your laptop. Unless it's the L. Ron Hubbard Dianetics Center... in which case, holy crap, you're actually a scientologist?
The rule that doesn't make you look crazy
If you're having a hard time deciding whether it's appropriate to take your laptop with you somewhere, remember the golden rule:
If you're hanging out in a public place, leave your laptop in its handsome carrying case.
I don't give much thought to the role of laptop computers in society. Unlike cell phones, which are constantly invading new aspects of modern life, laptops seem to do their job without disrupting things too much. We've all had those moments when someone around us thinks it is okay to chat on his cellular phone while in the movies, or the library... or the stall next to us. Yet, even with portability almost equal to cell phones, laptops haven't begun to intrude into any of those sacred places.
Remember when George took an un-purchased book into a store bathroom on Seinfeld ? If you take your laptop into the bathroom, you're basically admitting that you're no better than George Costanza. And nobody wants to be that guy who "pulled a Costanza," do you?
Not only will you piss off all the real sports fans around you, there's a good chance you'll spill your beer into the computer and totally fry it. But then again, maybe that's what you deserve for bringing a laptop to a friggin' game. Jackass...
It's already bad enough when people talking on their fucking phones when you're in theatres. Now, do you know bright the laptops can be? That can be distracting.
Whipping out your laptop in the middle of a romantic evening will signal to your date that you're self-absorbed, boring and, oh yeah, a big fat loser geek. Even if you somehow manage to convince her otherwise and get some action, there's a good chance that the heat from your laptop will have made your boys downstairs a little too hot to handle.
Who the hell do you think you are, Angela Bower? Can't you stop your busy high-powered executive life for one damn minute to enjoy some time with your family? Besides, your laptop's blocking my view... of the ocean, of course.
Doesn't matter if it's a church, temple, mosque, or non-affiliated non-demoniational house of worship. If there's a chance anyone connected to God might be hanging out there, the place is off-limits to your laptop. Unless it's the L. Ron Hubbard Dianetics Center... in which case, holy crap, you're actually a scientologist?
If you're having a hard time deciding whether it's appropriate to take your laptop with you somewhere, remember the golden rule: