John G. Diefenbaker High School, Calgary, AB
2002-2005
Sir John A. MacDonald Junior High, Calgary, AB
1999-2002
Catherine Nichols Gunn School, Calgary, AB
1992-1999
David Couchman
David Couchman spent his earliest years travelling back and forth between Calgary and Edmonton, on a horse. Couchman was born on January 7, 1988. Because his gambler father refused to pay taxes, Couchman was forced to work his way through elementary school loading and unloading boxes at the local SuperValu (later known as the Real Canadian Superstore) store.
One night, at the age of 13, the dumpster upon which Couchman slept was emptied by some local toughs that worked for Waste Management, North America's largest trash disposal company founded by Wayne Huizenga, that old dude that founded Blockbuster, Inc. back in 1985 and was accused of censorship until he sold the company to Viacom in 1994 for $8 billion, on account of his legendary relations with the Store Manager's forty daughters. This incident launched a 45-minute Huck Finn-like journey to a dumpster outside of Calgary, Alberta, where he woke up under a pile of rotten food.
Couchman eventually went on a quest to return to the city of Calgary and completed his "quest" in 24 hours. Couchman then traded his shoe (which apparently had lasers) for a fancy new suit and 50 cents and set out to make his fortune on the friendly streets of Calgary. In no time, parlaying his street smarts and skill at nonsensical/nonverbal intimidation to his political advantage, Couchman found himself at the helm of one of Applewood's (nice neighbourhood) nonsensical "gangs," the "Huy's HomeTurf!!!@Home gang that is so cool it makes no sense making it the coolest gang in the history of gangs that ever existed." However, he was only at the helm when the real leader, Huy Dang was lazy, which was at a rate of 99.9% of the time.
As a gang leader, Couchman (gang name "Couchie") was afforded ample free time to study (and soon master) the powers of mind control and remote viewing. The Canadian Security Intelligence Service's squad of giant invisible robots soon recognized Couchman's "Mortal Kombat"-like powers and whisked him away to their headquarters in the middle of the South Saskatchewan River. It was there, as a slave of the Canadian government, that Couchman was forced to learn how to breathe fire.
Now a full-fledged member of Stockwell Day's Time Cop Corps, Couchman spent his late teenage years battling communist space zombies who had escaped to our dimension from the places before time. Taking advantage of the ROTC program, Couchman now attends the University of Calgary, where he will eventually receive a Bachelor of Science in Business degree in finance.
The program also helped Couchman land a crappy career at one of the coolest websites in existence, Huy's HomeTurf!!!@Home. The key decision-makers at Huy's HomeTurf!!!@Home Media, Inc., the outrageously mismanaged company that owned Huy's HomeTurf!!!@Home, collectively got drunk and hopped up on goofballs during a team-building retreat while simultaneously having sex with their co-workers, decided to start a new website dedicated to Couchman's Huck Finn-like journeys. Hurting (badly) for content, Huy's HomeTurf!!!@Home made Couchman a frequent person to steal ideas from and eventually hired him as a fulltime Internet personality... because they couldn't afford a well-known personality to portray Couchman.
Years later, fellow Time Cop Corps member, Huy Dang, got hopped up on goofballs, took over the company named after him for a general effect because he forgot he founded it, was hypnotized and decided to sell Couchman's feature website to his imaginary business partner, Jones Ahemflegshusman. Jones got bored and sold it back to Huy's HomeTurf!!!@Home Media, Inc. for ten times the price it was originally sold for, nothing. The plan was to sell Couchman's website, buy it back and merge with it. This whole deal was pointless and useless, which inspired Huy's HomeTurf!!!@Home to become the nonsensical website it is today while looking professional. Wow, that was only six or seven years ago, whichever flips our waffle.
